林文賢

女神卡卡 咖啡館 天龍特攻隊 呼叫大明星 氣質美女 

THE ROOM
這篇文章是我傳教時, 一個室友(另一個同伴團的傳教士)家人來信時附的文章, 他和我分享時我覺得很感動, 讓我對耶穌基督的贖罪有更深刻的體認, 只是文章翻譯過程中感到有一些辭不達意, 不精確的部份請不吝指教, 謝謝!!
THE ROOM
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titlesby author of subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “People I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog of my life. Here was written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if any one was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to outright weird. “Books I Have read”, “Lies I Have Told”, ”Comfort I Have Given”, “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious at their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger”. “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards then I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 19 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed in my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To”. I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards. I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, ashamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vest amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts”, I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke over me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to destroy it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end began pounding it on the floor. I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead the wall I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel with.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then it came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out for shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I wiped away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read everyone？
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arms around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Stating at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No！”I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, NO,” as I pull the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus Christ covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, ”It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
在半夢半醒之間，我發現自己在一個房間裡，這房間和其他房間沒什麼差別，沿著牆排列著檔案櫃，像是圖書館中的圖書目錄，由一些小卡片組成，以作者或字母順序排列而成的標題目錄，從地板到天花板無盡地向兩邊延伸，小小的目錄盒有著不同的標題。
當我靠近櫃子，最先引起我注意的是：「我喜歡的人」，我打開小抽屜瀏覽卡片上的名字。
在未被告知下，我已知道自己身處何處了，這是一間儲存我平紀錄的房間，記錄了我每一刻每一個動作，不論大小，甚至記憶中忘去的細節。
奇異及害怕的感覺加上好奇心的驅使，我毫無目的地探索這些目錄的內容，有些帶來歡樂及甜美的回憶，有些令我感到羞愧及後悔，我頻頻回頭深怕有人站在我身後看到這些卡片，有個目錄名稱是：「朋友」，在它旁邊則是：「我曾背叛的朋友」。
這裡的目錄從一般生活到不可思議的範圍都有；「我讀過的書」、「我撒過的謊」、「我曾給予的安慰」、「我聽過的笑話」；有令我啼笑皆非的：「我曾對我兄弟吼叫的事」；我笑不出來的：「我在生氣時做的事」、「我在父母背後發的牢騷」；我無法停止驚訝！很多卡片比我預期多很多，有些則意料之外的少了很多。
我曾讓這些小小的事物湮沒我的生活，怎麼可能在這短短的十九年生命中，記錄下這成千上萬的卡片？這些卡片是那麼地真實，每張都是我的親筆跡並附著我的簽名。
當我打開「我曾聽過的音樂」時，我瞭解裡面包含的內容，這些卡片緊緊排列有2~3碼長，幾乎看不到盡頭，我羞愧地關上，並不因為音樂的品質，而是我深知這些代表什麼。
當我來到「淫念」的目錄前，一陣戰慄竄過我的身體，我拉出短短一寸，不敢想像那會有多少，我抽出一張卡片，對於內容細節令我感到驚訝，沒想到這一刻竟被記下。
我變得非常生氣，有個念頭支配我的心智：”決不能讓任何人看到這些卡片，更不能有人知道這房間，我必需銷毀這一切！”當我著手進行時，我發現我甚至無法移動一張卡片，我?望地拼命拉出這些目錄時，它堅硬如鐵，連撕毀都不能。
我無助地將卡片歸回原位，我低頭掩面，難過地面對這一切時，我看到一個標題：「我曾分享福音的人」，這標題在所有的卡片中顯得非常鮮明，非常地新，似乎未曾使用過，握住那握柄拉出那不到三寸的小盒子，用一隻手就可以點數裡面的卡片。
我是那麼地難過，我開始哭泣，悲痛萬分，我跪下嚎啕大哭，幾乎被羞愧淹沒，一排排的檔案櫃幾乎在我淚的漩渦中，我一定要將這房門上鎖，把鑰匙藏起來，決不能讓任何知道有這麼一個房間。
當我正要拭去淚水時，我看見祂，喔！千萬不要是祂；耶穌基督，不是在這裡！我看見祂打開檔案櫃，為何祂要讀這些卡片？我無法承受祂的反應，這一刻我更無顏見祂！我看祂比我更傷心，祂似乎要去那最糟的檔案櫃，祂為何要讀每一張卡片呢？
祂在房間的另一頭，回頭以憐憫的眼神看著我，不帶憤怒，我低下頭，再度掩面哭泣，祂走近我用雙臂環抱我，祂可以指責我，但支字未提只是陪著我哭。
祂起身走向櫃子，從一端開始拉出抽屜，拿出小卡片，一張張簽上祂名字，蓋過我的名字。
我急忙地喊著：「不可以！」我所說的就是：「不！不！不可以！」我從祂那拿過卡片，祂的名字不該在這裡；如此地鮮紅、真實深刻地寫在卡片上，「耶穌基督」覆蓋我的名字，祂用祂的血簽在上面。
祂輕輕地放回卡片，帶著憂傷的微笑看著我，繼續簽這些卡片，我無法理解，祂如何能如此快速地簽這些卡片；轉瞬間我聽到祂關上最後一個檔案櫃後，走到我身邊，祂搭著我的肩膀說：「結束了！」祂帶我離開那房間，門沒有鎖，而這些卡將繼續記錄。